John comes home from the bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks,
"What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O.".
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The New England Patriots are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
Why do San Diego Chargers players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.
What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
Why did the NY Jets players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
If you see a Oakland Raiders fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike.
What do you get if you see a New England Patriots fan buried up to his neck in sand?
You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of Denver Broncos. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the Bronco’s fan… twice.
What do you call a Buffalo Bill’s fan with half a brain?
Why the Arizona Cardinals are like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
What did the average San Fransico 49er player get on his Wonderlic test?
What does the N stand for on the sides of the nebraska football helmets?
Q : What's the best way to circumsize a Virginia Tech fan?
A : Kick his sister in the chin.
Q : Why do Miami Cheerleaders wear panties?
A : To keep their ankles warm.
Q: How do Seminoles practice safe sex?
A: They get rid of all the animals that kick.
Why did UT choose Orange for the team color?
So the fans could wear it on Saturday to the game, on Sunday to go hunting, and the rest of the week picking up garbage on the highways.
Q. What's the difference between a winning Raiders team and a UFO?
A. Someone has seen a UFO.
Q. What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief
Q. Why doesn't Columbus, Ohio have a professional football team?
A. Because then Cleveland would want one.
Q. What do you call Bears quarterback on the Colts' 10-yard line?
What's the difference between a Raiders fan and a Chimp?
Ones hairy, stupid and smells, and the other is a Chimpanzee.
How do you knock out a Raiders fan when he's been drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.
What do Raiders fans and laxatives have in common?
Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.
What do you say to a Raiders fan with a job?
"I'll have a Big Mac, fries and a coke, please."
Q: What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?
A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!