Sunday, October 26, 2014

You would think I would find time to post something...

Considering that I spend ninety percent of my day like this.

Sunday Funnies...

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.
The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.

Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."

Things men never say

-- Let's watch Lifetime.

-- Sex is overrated.

-- I don't want to go too far on the first date.

-- Yes, your sister does have bigger breasts than you.

-- Don't we owe your mother a visit?

-- I'm relieved I don't have a large penis weighing me down.

-- Dessert goes right to my hips.

-- I hate when I miss Oprah.

-- Does this suit make me look fat?

-- I'll never get tired of listening to Celine Dion.

Reverend Smith visits Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishioners in his church. Reverend Smith notices that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ sits a bowl which contains a condom floating in water.

Befuddled, Reverend Smith asks her to explain this.

"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replies, "I found that lying on the street corner, and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease. Frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Everyone likes a cougar...

The Mercury Cougar was an automobile sold under the Mercury brand of the Ford Motor Company's Lincoln-Mercury Division. The name was first used in 1967 and was carried by a diverse series of cars over the next three decades. As is common with Mercury vehicles, the Cougar shared basic platforms with Ford models. Originally this was the Mustang, but later versions of the Cougar were based on the Thunderbird, and the last was a version of the Mystique. The Cougar was important to Mercury's image for many years, and advertising often identified its dealers as being "at the sign of the cat". Glamorous models leading big cats on leashes were a feature of Cougar and Mercury ads back in their 1970s heyday.

Sunday Funnies...

As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."

Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"

Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"

Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."

Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol -- this is a job for Mama!"

Q: How do you get your wife to scream and groan while you're having sex?
A: Let her catch you having it with her sister.

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.

The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.

The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."

The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"

"Then we both win," says the old man.

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma''re sitting in the backseat..."