Sunday Funnies

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special offer for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." 
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint my house."






The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." 
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" 
"Blind man!" 
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. 
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"








A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. 
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed. 
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing. 
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit. 
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank check and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing." 
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made. 
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?" 
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque. 
"There's no charge," she says. 
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says. 
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good... 

So I just swapped their heads."